Journal Entry Nissan 6, 5786 – March 24, 2026, Tuesday 11:57 a.m.
Creating harmony in the midst of chaos
Heather let me go back to sleep at 6:00 a.m. since the dogs woke me up at 3:00 am! I don’t know what’s gotten into them. It could be the time change, spring fever, or maybe just a stage of moving to another puppy
stage, and Dharma’s dragging me and Ginger along. Dharma is keeping Ginger and me moving even when sometimes we would rather not!
Dharma – “moral responsibilities and ethical responsibilities” in Hinduism.
When we were trying to think of names similar to Harmoni (the name given to her by the Burke County rescue where we adopted her), the name “Dharma” came to me. I couldn’t remember its meaning at the time, but both of us liked it, and it was less tricky to say when training a puppy. She moves too quickly from one troubling chewing moment to another, and so it was hard to say “Harmoni no” that many times in a row.
When Birdie died, I told her to confer with Bear (my blue-heeler mix) and send me another good dog. Baby, a rescue Chihuahua I once had, sent me a message in the shower one morning that she wanted to help. She had gotten lost in one of my many moves and gotten run over. I had found her flattened on the road and had to scrape her up with a shovel. It
was awful, and I never forgave myself for allowing my girlfriend at the time to talk me out of looking for her in the darkness that night that she got lost. I looked all day the next day, Saturday, I think. I told the neighbors around us, and we (mostly me) put up posters. The neighborhood we moved to at the time was one where all the houses looked the same. Baby had found a hole in the fence that we didn’t know about after we’d first let her out. It still breaks my heart.
When Caroline Smith (mom’s childhood friend) first asked me to rescue her momma’s (Mrs. Morton) dog, I told her no. It was after being removed as a pastor, after getting scammed by a psychopathic girlfriend, and after losing friends and family. I knew that I wasn’t in a good place at all to adopt A dog. In fact, I turned Carolyn’s request down several times before I started dating Ama. Then Carolyn asked me again while Ama lived with me those first months. I told her about the situation, and Ama talked me into adopting Baby, the name that Mrs. Morton gave the chihuahua. Mrs. Morton had dementia and could no longer take care of the dog.
While Ama liked Baby, she wasn’t good at responsibility. Also, Baby decided that I was her pal even though Ama would have considered the dog hers. I always loved Mrs. Morton and, of course, Carolyn and her family. I wanted to do right by the dog, but especially by that lifelong family friend. The reality is that Carolyn and Mrs. Morton were two lifelong friends – first to my mother, and then to me, Tracy, and Dad. Wow – maybe that’s the gift Baby gave me in Dharma, a reminder of lifelong friends. Also, it felt like the spirit of the dog, Baby, wanted to affirm that I am forgiven by her. I really loved that little dog and had her for two years. I was looking to adopt a Chihuahua mix when looking for a dog to adopt this fall, but none were available.
Now, I want to return to 2 things:
- The first is a question posed to me by my Spiritual Director the other week: “What happened that makes me think I need forgiveness?” There are many things, and the loss of this little creature is only part of the myriad.
- Dharma and Harmoni. As I wrote about the meaning of Dharma in Hinduism, and then wrote Harmoni afterwards, I suddenly sense a thread of purpose in my own life.
This thread wasn’t about dogs so much as it is about the place or the thread of harmony in my life as a musician, a spiritual leader, and teacher. I have always been a peacemaker, and in all that I do in life, I want to create harmony:
- by making music
- by making art
- by gardening
- by studying
- in meditation
- in all things
This doesn’t mean that I don’t understand that dissonance will occur. In my life, I’ve wished for the dissonance to be passing tones moving toward a more harmonious place. Or, if there were longer periods of dissonance (like living in Oklahoma or living with a psychopath), they were separate movements of the Symphony of my life. The psychopath and living in Oklahoma were the worst sections of my life. It was an entire period of dissonance where the only harmony found was in my dog, Bear, and in nature. Poetry helped. I could not play or sing music during that section of life. Having lost my pastorate, family, and friends, due to coming out and – well – the fallout of coming out, the time was a motif of depression, loss, and grief.
The motif of depression started between the 6th & 7th grade as I began to realize more and more that I wasn’t like everyone else. I’m sure the onset of adolescence contributed to the challenge. However, from that time on, every four years I battled a severe depression that only worsened as I got older.
Musical motif – a short recurring musical idea or phrase that has importance in a composition. It serves as a building block for melody and themes.
Perhaps the depression has been more of a leitmotif since it put drama in my life even when I didn’t want it. The key wasn’t minor because I actually liked minor keys and modal tonalities. The depression was like a Charles Ives’ (modernist American composer who explored dissonance) theme of dissonance and noise.
leitmotif – a short, recurring musical phrase associated with a particular person, place, or idea, often used in operas and films to enhance storytelling and emotional impact.
Maybe my life is a collection of symphonic poems, or a Sonata. Truthfully, I don’t think my life is as dramatic as an opera, but again, some operas were about simple characters like “Mimì” in La Boheme. I’m not a big fan of opera, though when listening, I know these melodies from La Boheme. The Ballet Met describes La Boheme as one of Puccini’s most beloved operas of all time. I am a fan of a lot of Puccini’s music, so I feel a need to know this opera better, especially as I read this description:
“…a love story of Bohemian life…in Paris. At its heart is a close-knit group of artists and dreamers navigating life, love, and poverty with passion and resilience.”[1]
Perhaps I am Rodolfo (the poet). He is the male character who falls in love with Mimì (the seamstress) at first sight. The Ballet Met has a perfect description of Rodolpho that also describes ME: “…like many artists, Rodolfo is torn between his devotion of love and his fear of losing it…”[2]
Though a part of me is also Mimì. I am not a seamstress. Yet, for some reason, I’ve often thought up different fashion designs and wished I knew how to sew like a tailor (more refined than my grandmas’ sewing). Also, “Mimì’s character is soft-spoken and sincere, with a deep sense of dignity. Her tragic struggle with illness and poverty brings emotional depth to the opera’s narrative….”[3]
We all have an unsuspected reserve of strength inside that emerges when life puts us to the test. ~ISABEL ALLENDE
I like this quote by Allende because it summarizes all that I was trying to say in this reflection. We all have strengths that can be revealed to us when we go through difficult times. Although I would not have said this during the difficult times, there was music in them, too. In addition to prayer and poetry, music empowered me to move through the hardest days of my life toward the light of my life.
We are living in harder times right now than I ever remember. With copious wars, climate change, and the challenges of finding housing and food for so many, we can often be discouraged. During these times, it’s important to remember that we are all in this together. We can sing a chorus of hope, or one of resistance. We can sing the blues or a song of gratitude. We can sing an aria crying out for help, or sit in silence as we try to discern the next step. It’s clearer to me than ever that one of the reasons opera has lasted for over 400 years is not only because of the glorious music, but also because the librettos are the stories of life. What story are you singing? Who are the main characters in your story? How can we sing together and come to a better ending?
This reflection started with my talking about our new puppy, Dharma. I can’t say that Dharma has much of an ethical understanding as an 8-month-old puppy. However, she DOES want to please us. In that sense, she wants to belong to us as much as we want to belong to her. As the humans caring for her, we have a moral duty to care for her. We also have a moral duty to care for each other, even as we train the puppy or learn to live together. When we humans can learn and embrace that we belong together, our paths will be more harmonious. Yes, there will be moments of dissonance, but that only makes the music of life richer and more meaningful.
Dharma means the universal law, moral duty, and spiritual path guiding harmony, truth, and liberation.
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[1] www.balletmet.ort/meet-the-characters-of-la-boheme
[2] ibid.
[3] ibid.